


I'm Going Slightly Mad

by lensheadey



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/F, stuff and things
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-06
Updated: 2017-02-09
Packaged: 2018-09-22 10:58:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9605012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lensheadey/pseuds/lensheadey
Summary: Amanda is found in a drunken stupor by Olivia and they finally sit down and talk about Amanda's past.





	1. it finally happened

**Author's Note:**

> i have no idea what i'm doing i wrote this at 12am when i was stoned so here goes

The door flew open and the cold air immediately stung her face. She stumbled forwards, only slightly leaning on the side of the building as she made her way towards the nearest subway station. 

The street lights provided a dimly lit path for her to see, but the alcohol was impairing her vision. Amanda looked up from her feet to see a group of men hanging around outside of another bar close by. 

She watched them closely, warily, her eyes trying to focus on one person in the group. 

Amanda suddenly fell forward, throwing her hands in the air to protect her face from the pavement. She hit the ground hard, her feet slipping right out from under her. 

Grabbing her hat from a pile of snow, she drunkenly attempted to get back onto her feet when she felt someone grab her arm to pull her up. 

"Hey. I'm here." 

Olivia Benson was holding onto her waist, trying to help her up. "Are you hurt?" she asked. 

"I'm fine," Amanda mumbled.

She was unable to stand up on her own but would never admit that to her boss. How could she admit that she had gone to the nearest bar after work and gotten so drunk she could barely remember her name?

Olivia smiled sadly and put her other arm on Amanda's shoulder. "Lets get you home."

With help, Amanda turned slightly, facing the street. There was a black mustang convertible parked along the side of the road. It must belong to Liv. 

Carefully, Olivia walked Amanda towards the car, making sure the other woman didn't injure herself any further before she got her home. 

Olivia opened the passenger door and Amanda reluctantly got inside.

"Liv, I'm sorry."

Olivia stopped fumbling with the seat belt and looked at Amanda. There were slight tears in her eyes but it was obvious she was fighting to hide her emotions. 

"Hey. Listen to me. We all have bad days, okay. You wanna tell me what yours was about?"

Amanda looked down, but didn't respond. She hiccuped. It was obvious Olivia wouldn't get through to her in this state. 

"Sober Amanda isn't any easier to talk to, either," she thought. 

Olivia almost smiled at this woman's stubbornness when her brows furrowed. She shouldn't leave Amanda alone tonight. She should take her back to her apartment until she's better. 

She spoke softly, "Amanda."

Amanda turned her gaze from the street ahead to her boss. She looked very sad and it made Olivia's heart ache. 

"I'm gonna take you back to my place for the night. I don't want you to hurt yourself."

She could see Amanda start to protest before she had even finished her sentence. 

Amanda shook her head rapidly. "You really don't have to do that, I'm fine." 

Olivia let out a sad laugh. "You know saying you're fine over and over wont magically make it true? Come on. I have an extra room and could use some company tonight. Besides Noah." She smiled again, hoping she was getting through to Amanda. 

Amanda nodded but didn't say anything else. Olivia carefully closed the passenger door and moved for the driver's side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'll continue this but i'm terrible at updating bc i suck but i love rollins/benson stuff especially friendship fics where the women are supporting each other and i feel like those are few are far between bc we're all so frickin gay anyways here's wonderwall


	2. i'm slightly mad

Amanda gripped both sides of the glass and quickly emptied it's continents. The cold water soothed her throat and she closed her eyes for a few minutes. 

"Amanda."  
  
She felt Olivia's hand on her back and quickly opened her eyes again. Turning around, she looked at Olivia.

"How did you find me?"

Olivia chuckled slightly. "I have spent my fair share of nights at these bars after work. Until I realized there were healthier ways to cope. Like seeing a shrink?"

It was a statement but she posed it as a question. Amanda was still drunk and not in the mood to discuss this so she tried playing it off.

"Yeah, I just don't think all a' that shrink stuff is for me, ya know?"

Amanda set the glass down on the kitchen island when Olivia motioned for them to move into the living room.

Once on the couch, Olivia continued. "What do you mean?"

Amanda bit her lip. She knew still being drunk, she could say something she would regret in the morning.

"After... Patton... I tried going to therapy." Amanda looked down at her hands. "But it just never felt right. Paying someone to listen while I complain about my life's problems."

"They want to be there, Amanda. They want to help you. You aren't a burden."

Amanda got up off the couch and moved back into the kitchen. She filled her glass with water from the tap and leaned back against the counter. Amanda waited for her to continue, looking up at Olivia only to make sure she was still there.

"I know you still blame yourself for being raped by Patton."

She swallowed hard, biting the inside of her cheek. She didn't want to talk about this. Not with Olivia, her boss, and someone she used to idolize. Still idolized.

"You were raped, Amanda." Amanda couldn't look up from the glass in her hands. She held it harder, her knuckles turning white. She closed her eyes, the tears fell freely now.

"This was not your fault. You are not responsible for your sister. You don't have to pay for her mistakes."

Amanda covered her face with her hands, trying to hold onto the last shred of dignity she had.

"I said I would go. I told him I would meet him at the motel."

"You can say no at any time. It doesn't expire." Olivia stood from the couch to meet Amanda in the kitchen. "Ignoring this doesn't make it go away."

"Is that what you did?"

"After the assault in the prison... I tried to handle everything myself."

Olivia smiled sadly at Amanda. It made Amanda's stomach flutter.

"I realized, that after a while-" she smiled and sighed. "That asking for help doesn't make you weak. And to do this job, to be able to help victims, I needed to admit that I was one so I could move on. I'm a victim but it's not the only thing I am. I'm also a mom, and a cop, and your friend, Amanda. You don't have to handle everything yourself, either. You aren't alone."

Olivia hoped this didn't sound too cheesy to the other detective because she needed to get through to her some how. She knew Amanda would end up hurting herself or someone else if she continued like this. Amanda moved towards the couch, pausing before she began to pace back and forth.

"Growing up, Momma always used to tell us that our problems are just that. Ours. That no one else should be privy to them. So I learned to hold stuff in." She sighed and shrugged her shoulders. "Am I making any sense?"

She wiped the hair from her face and turned to look at Olivia, who had sat back down on the couch and was listening quietly. She nodded at her to continue. Amanda kept pacing.

"Whenever there was a problem, I would handle it. We would never talk about it. My sister-" She stopped pacing and faced Olivia. "Back in Atlanta, it was different," she explained.

A grimace appeared across her face and Olivia broke the tension.

"Come, sit with me." She patted the couch.

Amanda suppressed her anger at the motion. She knew Olivia was trying to help, but being treated this delicately was not something she was used to. Her shoulders fell and she let out the breath she had been holding, while her legs moved her back to the couch. She was too exhausted to argue.

Olivia moved a pillow out of the way so Amanda could sit down. She looked concerned.

"How was Atlanta different?"

Amanda's forehead creased into a frown. 

"My squad wasn't anything like what we have. It was a boys club." Amanda stopped and looked at Olivia, who nodded again, for her to keep going. Amanda scratched her head and picked at her jeans, fidgeting, and obviously uncomfortable.

"Let's just say being the only woman in a squad room with twenty or so other men makes you stand out. They guys down south aren't like y'all, they still live in the 50s where the men had all the power and the women were there to please them. My sister got into a lot of trouble and the other guys knew about it, used it against me to-" She went quiet.

"That's what Patton did? He used your sister as blackmail to rape you. A despicable abuse of power." Olivia shook her head; she looked angry.

"I knew not to be the last one in the office when the Chief was there. That he picked favourites, and they were usually young, naive blonde fresh-faced detectives."

Amanda rolled her eyes and covered her eyes with her hands, rubbing her temple slightly.

"I should have known." Amanda shook her head, as if she were silently cursing herself. "All of the signs were right there."

Amanda shrugged, still looking at Olivia. This time, Olivia did touch Amanda. She moved a hand onto Amanda's back, rubbing it gently.

"He should not have raped you, Amanda. This is his fault. He blackmailed you into bed. That is not consent."

Amanda sighed. She wanted a drink because she was no longer drunk, and could feel a headache starting.

"I know it's not... my fault," she stumbled. "But. It still feels like it is, you know? And no matter how hard I try to ignore it, I can't. It scares me. It makes me... think about gambling. But-I- I wont! I'm still going to meetings, and I even haven't touched a lottery ticket in months." She laughed, lightly.

Olivia grinned. "I know you're trying. You need to cut yourself some slack."

She moved some of her hair behind her ear and stopped rubbing Amanda's back. Olivia suddenly enveloped Amanda in a hug.

Amanda flinched, before hugging back. She closed her eyes and focused on the warmth radiating from Olivia.

"You aren't going to get better over night, Amanda." Olivia spoke so gently, Amanda almost couldn't hear her.

"It's going to take time and you're going to have to do things you don't enjoy doing, like talk-therapy and taking time off work for yourself."

They broke from the hug and smiled at each other. 

"You're gonna be okay, Amanda."

Amanda grinned crookedly, rolling her eyes. "I know," she said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yea!!!! that's all folks i started this high i ended this high heheh thanks for your time hi kelli if you're reading this you're super badass keep up the good work also why are you reading this you wouldn't be


End file.
